It is 8pm on a Sunday night and I am desperately trying to find some time to write. The words have been moving around in my head all day, things to expound upon, ideas to elaborate, thoughts to discuss. The truth is that these days, I have grand plans in my head of all the things I am going to do each and every day. I contemplate them before I go to sleep. I awaken thinking about them. I am a planner. I like to plan out my day, plan out my activities with the boys. However as I was saying, these days I am lucky to get one quarter of them completed.
I am ambitious to the extreme.
I am not an idle person.
But yet, my body is just really not in any position to keep up with me. If I am honest with myself, it is not really in any position to be keeping up with my boys, either. I find myself losing patience with them quickly when their sweet little boy natures cause them to move like molasses as they try to do things themselves. This makes me feel horrible as soon as I find myself snapping. I do not mean to snap. I do not mean to hurry them along. It's just that my back is killing me or my lower abdomen feels like it is going to burst and I just can't stand a single minute longer. Not one more minute.
Not.a.minute.longer. please.for.the.love.of.god. hurry.up.my.lovelies.please!
I realized something that broke my heart this morning, too. It is that I fear my 4 and 5 mile walks with the boys, up and down the hills in SE PDX need to officially become a thing of the past until after I deliver. What am I even saying.....? I couldn't even stand a 2 mile walk today. I again felt just like I did on Thursday, when I thought I was going to pass out from the pain. It wasn't during the walk, mind you. It was after we got home, left in the truck to go to the store and returned. I could hardly walk. I felt hobbled. I had to lie down with a heating pad for an hour before I could start walking around the house.
I have no idea why this started out of nowhere.... but it is time for me to except it, I guess. My assumption that I could continue these walks right up until I deliver was, I suppose, a little pipe dream. And this saddens me deeply.
These walks of ours are meditative for me. They bond me with the boys as we look at flowers and trees, bushes and houses, herbs and cats and dogs. They know our routes and tell me where to turn and where to go. Today Rowan saw sunflowers, one of the flowers we've been working on and started pointing wildly, screaming "sunflowers Mommy!!" I was so unbelievably proud of him....
I guess I should try and remember that between the two of them, they weigh a combined total of close to 65 pounds. Add another 20-30 for the stroller and I'm pushing 80-90lbs of dead weight up fairly steep hills, lifting the stroller and the boys up and over curbs, etc. Perhaps it is a little much to think I could continue to sustain that level of strain. It would be different if I were just walking, myself... I guess. Right?
I am heading into heavy nesting syndrome, too. I find myself wanting to scour my house and yet as soon as I get it in my head to start, I feel as if a nap might be a better idea.
The only thing I find myself really up for is sitting on our front porch and knitting or holding the new 5-6 week old kittens we got this weekend, which we needed like two holes in our heads, but which are so damn cute I can't even stand it. Sibling sisters who look so exactly alike that it took me a good 30 minutes of studying them on my lap before I could figure out how to distinguish Pandora from Ophelia and vice versa.
Tiny, little mewling babies. Itty bitty little all-gray sweeties with the most striking green/gray eyes on each of them. The only way to tell them apart is that Pandora is a just a tinge darker than Ophelia and has a little more of what I would describe as a wicked face, even though she is the more timid of the two. Otherwise, even down to the little patches on their nose, they look just about identical.
Let me tell you a little secret: if you are going to get a kitten, you would do well to get two siblings. They entertain each other when you can't. They sleep together and keep each other company. They are wonderfully, beautifully sweet together.
These are incredibly young, but were from a foundling litter and the people offering them for free did not want to let them be separated. They had other, older kittens but Moose and I feel in love as soon as we held these two. So, home we came with them and they make a sweet addition to the menagerie we seem to be building. I am not exactly sure what we were thinking, except that we've been wanting a kitten for Lola for some time now and this is the first time I came across a beautifully painted, clapboard wooden sign offering:
"free kittens to a good home (we decide!)"
Apparently we look like a good home, what with our twin-looking boys, my huge pregnant belly and my beautiful husband. We appeared like a good home. We smelled like home....
And now we are home to babies, babies everywhere.
We have baby things on the brain. Can you blame us?
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