My life is a jumbled mass of kaleidoscoping experiences of late. The past is rushing around me like a freight train in ways I never would have imagined. We are getting down to the nitty gritty of a final move from one home to the other, which will culminate on Monday. I am so far behind at work it's ridiculous.
How in the hell can I manage to stay on top of work through all the hospital stays, dialysis, everything related to Max-care over the past 2.5 years and then have such a hard time focusing when things are great??
And I am serious. I cannot focus on it. My mind is in 50 billion different places at once and it only happens with work. I have a database to build and it is just wearing me out to even contemplate how I am going to tackle it. Actually, I have two to build. I just happened to catch a break on the first one and now don't need to climb that mountain until late December/early January.
I am more than capable of focusing on tasks at home, but work is a huge issue for me lately and I do not truly understand it. I actually generally do really enjoy what I do. Maybe it is a residual grudge over being forced to come in more during the week that I just can't let go of. Or maybe it is just that I really am so very tired of working, when all I truly want is to be home with my boys.
It's probably a combination of the two: being forced to come in, has brought home the reality of the fact that I do still work and I do have to leave the house and the boys... even if I only to be out of the house 15 hours per week.... 15 is more than 10 and now it is 3 days instead of 1.
I know I've waxed on about his ad nauseum... so I will spare you anymore of the nonsense.
Then there's the tizzy I have worked myself into in an attempt to understand individuals. Generally I am pretty good about reading people. I have a sense of them from the moment I meet them. While sometimes this does not end up being accurate, I have been right more times than I have not and I try to listen to my little intuition when it pops up and taps me on the shoulder.
But there are times when I throw all caution to the wind because I want to know and understand what makes that person tick, for whatever reason. For me personally, I strive to be honest and as direct as possible about what I am thinking and feeling. I don't like evasiveness. It's only intriguing for the first 10 minutes. After that, I find it annoying.
Say what you think. Say what you feel. Take a stand. State an opinion. Silence and inaction are unbecoming, are the coward's way out.
LIve. Breathe. Take a leap of faith OR for god's sake, decide not to with strength, conviction and honest communication.
When I come across people who fall into the above categories, it's like a puzzle for me. I feel I must 'figure' them out. They are so foreign in the way they operate that I am drawn to it like a moth to a flame, beating my head against the proverbial wall and attempting to communicate with someone who is largely incapable of communicating, at least not in the way I have learned to.
Communication and friendship is a two-way street. I'll initiate for period of time, but when it becomes clear that the initiation is not reciprocated, than I grow weary and then I shut the door. My life is crazy busy and I don't have the time to puzzle people out any longer. I don't have the time to wonder and I am far too wise in the ways of the world. If you want a friendship, you'll start actually following through on it. If not, your loss.
And that's where I believe I am right at this moment. The door is closing and that will be the end of that.
