Today has been incredibly lovely so far. Hot, but lovely. I took the boys to Laurelhurst this morning. We were there by 930am to try and beat the impending heat. We traversed the edge of the park until we reached our "ungodly hot weather" spot. This spot is different from our haunt of last summer. This spot could also be known as our "pouring rain" spot. It is the place we go when we require the shelter of a dozen or more massive, old trees.
As we approached the picnic tables, I noticed there was a sign taped to one of the trees announcing the spot was reserved all day for a wedding party and then a second sign, announcing the wedding party would begin at 1pm. There was noone there, yet. But I didn't want to get caught there when people began arriving to setup so we moved down the length of the area a ways, still under the trees, but much further down from the picnic tables.
As I spread out a blanket on the grass in the shade, I looked back towards the picnic area and had a vision of what a wedding would like in that exact spot. Moose and I did not have a big wedding. We got married in our house, with 15-20 of our friends by a Justice of the Peace and 4 month old Maximus in attendance, as well. We've talked about renewing our vows in the future with a larger (though still low-key) ceremony and I think I decided this morning that Laurelhurst Park will be the location. This is a ways down the line, mind you. But, I still like to think about these things.
Not long after we arrived, a woman sat down at a picnic table near us and within earshot. She took out a book and some writing utensils, gave the boys and me a big smile and then proceeded to write. I watched her for a few minutes. I am a notorious people watcher, by the way. But then my boys grabbed my attention and I promptly forgot her.
Boys2 have two lawnmowers that fold up and fit in the bottom of the side-by-side stroller. Moose bought them for them and they are the biggest hit of the summer, so far. It is unbelievably cute to see them both running around the area pushing their 'lawnmowers'. They did this for a long time. We ate a mid-morning snack, kicked a ball around a bit and then played with the lawnmowers some more. It was great fun and I was oblivious to what was going on around me.
At a certain point in time, Rowan began his 'run for the hills' routine, wherein he starts taking off and doesn't listen to me when I tell him to come back. After three times of running after him and hauling him back, I decided we were done for the day. It was 11:15, I still had two grocery stores I wanted to hit in a quest for good prawns and the heat was beginning to descend with a vengeance.
Rowan went into the stroller easily, which never happens. Max was a different story. After talking to him, reasoning with him, trying to get him to climb into the stroller without having to pick him up, I finally realized that he wanted to walk beside me out of the park, which is something we do sometimes. I allowed him to do this and we set off for the path, me pushing Ro in the stroller and Max mowing the grass and then the path beside me.
As we were about to leave the area entirely, I glanced to my right and noticed that same woman running towards me. My first thought was that I had forgotten something, but I noticed her hands were empty. I stopped, with what I can only assume was a quizzical expression.
She came up to us and began speaking, "The angels would like me to tell you that you are a wonderful mother."
It pains me to say this, but my second thought with regards to her was to try and ascertain just how loony this woman was.
"They know you doubt yourself, but you should not. Your boys are terribly blessed to have you."
I glanced away from her to make sure Max was still beside me. As I did, I responded "Thank you....Thank you very much." I was feeling a little uncomfortable, as I am known to feel when people compliment me and I was still thinking this woman had to be just a tad left of center.
She must have noticed my demeanor because she began walking off, but said, "Please don't think I am just saying this. It came from them. It came from above." She pointed to the sky and then turned around and walked away.
As I continued away from the area, there was this mixture inside of me of feeling oddly flattered and feeling as if she was truly crazy. But I thought to myself, even if she isn't truly talking to angels, something about the boys and I sparked her to run across the grass and make sure I knew this. It made me happy.
Later, I was thinking about a conversation Moose and I had last evening, as we were sitting on the porch. We were recalling the difference between the peritonitis hospital stay and the transplant stay. Moose reminded me of how difficult the peritonitis had been on me because I was convinced I had caused it.
And he was right. I still believe I was to blame in some way. I've had a hard time letting that go. I didn't know what I was looking for at the time. Dialysis was so new to us then. I missed something very important and because of that Max became more ill than he ever has in his life. I was thinking about it again this morning, thinking about how guilty I felt. How horrible I felt.
And then this woman comes out of nowhere and tells me some higher power wants me to know that I should not doubt myself....
It was probably one of the most surreal experiences I've had recently (despite Max's transplant).
The angels have spoken and apparently, I am a good mother.
