the situation I find myself in

The summer after Max was born, we had a 4th of July party out on the back deck.  As I recall, it was a great party.  Though, I was already pregnant with Rowan and so I believe everyone except for me was inebriated in some way or another.  One would think I had also been inebriated because that was the fateful night I lost my driver's license, the driver's license I've been whining about replacing lately.

It is utterly appalling that I have not done so yet but all I can say is when it comes to things associated with myself, I am the great procrastinator.  Having Max and Rowan forced a good majority of my tendency towards procrastination towards the wayside, but when it comes to anything of mine, I still tend to put it off.

Lately, the universe has been pointing out to me in oh so numerous ways that my missing driver's license is a huge problem and I seriously need to undertake the process of replacing it, not the least of which is that I still haven't officially changed my name to my married name.

The thing is, I know where the license is, or at least I think I do.  I think it slipped out of my pocket and is now resting comfortably under our back deck.  At one point, Moose and his friend agreed to dig around under there with a rake or some other man-tool and try to find it, if I could point out where I was sitting that night, which unbelievably, I do still remember.  But they have yet to do so.

So, I decided to get off my ass last week and start investigating how one replaces a lost driver's license in the state of Oregon.  I assumed maybe I would need to bring official pieces of mail showing my address, perhaps my social security card and maybe my expired passport.  I had to do this once before in Illinois, ages ago and did just that.

The information was not readily available on the website and so I made a call.  As it turns out, the only thing I can truly use to establish my US-born identity is my birth certificate, which I do not have a copy of.  When I mentioned I do not have one, they told me they could give me the contact information for the State of Illinois to order one.  I was already thinking to myself that this was getting even more complicated than I originally anticipated.

The tasks laid out before me were already complicated because to accomplish everything I need to, I need to replace my driver's license under my old name, get a copy of our marriage license, go to the Social Security Office and change my name on my Social Security card, then change my name on my driver's license and get a new license and then I can go about changing bank accounts, work information, credit cards, etc.

Adding the birth certificate into the mix just bogs down the process even further.  However, I call the State of Illinois like a good girl and find out I can order one online.  I find the website, go through all the steps, enter the answers to all the questions and when it comes time to actually place the order, I am told I cannot do it online and must submit a faxed form.

At this point, I've been monkeying around for a good 30-40 minutes, but I look at the form that pops up.  It has all my information filled out and when I get to the bottom of the form, there are directions to place a copy of my driver's license or some other state-issued picture ID.

And that's when I begin to get the inkling that the universe is now starting to consire against me.

I call the State of Illinois and have the following conversation with the bored, not-helpful-in-any-fucking-way state employee who deigns to answer the phone after it rings over 15 times (don't they have some type of answering system in this day and age??):

Me:  Yes, I have a question.  I'm trying to get a copy of my birth certificate to replace a lost driver's license.  I went through all the steps online to order one and was then told I couldn't do it that way.  Now it is telling me I need to fax in a form with a copy of my driver's license.

Bored State Employee:  Yes.  That's right.

Me:  Ok, but the problem is like I just stated, that I don't have a copy of my driver's license.  I'm trying to replace it.

Bored State Employee:  You can use another valid state-issued photo ID.

Me:  Can I use my passport?  It is woefully expired.

Bored State Employee:  It must be valid.

Me:  Ok, but I don't have a valid state-issued ID.  Can I use a copy of my social security card along with other official pieces of mail?

Bored State Employee:  Social security cards are too easy to fake.

Me:  So, I have to have a picture ID?

Bored State Employee:  Yes.

Me:  Can you work with me here?  I can't be the only person who has lost their driver's license and doesn't have any other piece of identification.

Bored State Employee:  You must have a picture ID.

At this point, I just hang up which is rude, but I felt as if was talking to a robot and now the direness of the situation is beginning to dawn on me.  I briefly wonder if I can go through my entire life dodging having a state-issued ID because it seems as if there is no way in the world to prove who I am in order to get one.

I wanted to just give up at that point but part of me was thinking, "Ok...this is the most ridiculous fucking situation I have found myself in in recent years and there has GOT to be a way out of it."

So I press on.

I decide to call the DMV and explain the situation, that I was born in a different state, that I can't get a birth certificate without a state ID, that I don't have a state ID, etc.

When I finally get them on the phone, I explain everything and I get the following response:

Perky DMV employee:  I'm sorry.  There is no way around this.  You have to establish your US born identity with a birth certificate.

Me in a pleading tone:  There is no way I can show you my social security card, w2's mailed to my home address, any other official piece of mail, my expired passport?

Perky DMV employee: No. The ID must be valid.

Me in a frustrated tone:  Ok well, I am at an impasse here.  I can't get a birth certificate because I don't have an ID to show.  I can't get an ID because I don't have a driver's license.  What am I supposed to do???

I am beginning to feel like the beaurocracy of the world is closing in on me and then the perky girl finally gives me the most useful piece of information I've heard yet.

Perky and now mildly helpful DMV employee: Well, what we tell people who find themselves in this situation is to have their parent order the birth certificate for them.

Ah hah.  A lightbulb goes on and I begin to see the pathway opening up before me.  All I can say is, thank god my mother is alive.  I am now traversing that avenue of hope, but it is still a huge monkey-wrench in a task I had hoped to get taken care of within a week.

Note to self:  Never lose your driver's license.

Note to self:  If you do lose your driver's license, never lose your birth certificate at the same time.

Note to self:  If you happen to lose both at the same time, make damn sure you do this before your parents pass out of this life, because if you don't you are fucked for sure.

 Honestly.  Have you ever been in a situation where you know you aren't doing anything wrong, but the unyielding beaurocratic nonsense you have to jump through succeeds in making you feel as if you are attempting to get away with something, as if you are exactly that criminal they are hoping to thwart?

That's the situation I find myself in right now.